I took an unplanned sabbatical from blogging for the last 2.5 weeks. Now that I’m back, I just cannot get in the mood to talk about Simplicity. I am overwhelmed with so many other feelings all day long. The thought of having a blog to show the direction our hearts are moving just seems hypocritical when I have barely thought about it. We need to pause the blog and talk about what has been going on. This week’s blog posts will be about our life. The next 2 days will include lots of JOY!! Then we are back to Simplicity next week 🙂
If you are a reader and you don’t know what I’m talking about, here’s the quick version. We woke up at 6:15 on a Saturday morning to hear our 5 year old daughter making an unfamiliar sound. We went to her room and found her unresponsive. She was breathing, but she was having a seizure. We rushed her to our local ER. They ran a series of tests, found nothing, and sent us to a bigger hospital 45 minutes away. They ran an EEG to see what was going on.
Those results said she had highly abnormal electrical activity in her left frontal lobe, which confirmed a seizure. The next day they did an MRI which assured that there was nothing structurally wrong – meaning no tumors or anything.
They moved us out of the PICU into a normal room that night and we went home the next day (Monday). She has a daily medication now, but we are left without answers.
A lot of the struggle has been with how unfair things feel. Why her? The sweetest girl on earth. Why us? We have no answers about why it happened or if it could happen again. And that’s difficult. We try to go back to a normal life – but it doesn’t feel normal.
We have lots of questions. I find myself wondering how we will be able to minister to others who go through similar situations. What is God’s plan for us in this? It is hard to mother my kids individually right now. Ava is not getting the attention she deserves. Adelynn is dealing with behavioral side effects from her new medicine. How do I draw the line between her behavior being within her control and knowing what is caused by medication? Where do I draw the line between protecting her from danger and over-protecting her in life?
We have spent this time just drained and fearful. 2 weeks ago at dance, one of the medical professional dance moms gave me some helpful information about what to do in case of future seizures. She also affirmed that as parents, when the situation came up, we did the right thing. This is what I need right now. While I sit here and battle with myself as a Mom and a Jesus follower, I need to know that we are going to be okay and that the decisions we have made so far have been the right ones.
We are getting a second opinion. We feel like the decisions the first doctor made were a little extreme. And maybe they aren’t, but we haven’t received enough information to know exactly what we are dealing with. We hope the next doctor can answer questions and then we will know if the first doctor’s recommendations are normal, or extreme. We are her advocates. We need to equip ourselves with the best resources we can find.
We have been overwhelmed with love by you all!!!!!!!!! At any given time in the hospital I had 15-20 texts to answer. We had countless people saying “Let me know if you need anything.” And meaning it! We had offers for food, Ava-sitting, prayer, coffee, visits, and anything else we could imagine. At 6 something in the morning, I was just standing in the ER watching my girl lay unresponsive while her Daddy talked to her and I was painfully aware of our need for prayer. I sent out a jumbled text to family and our small group (completely missing some people) at such an early hour on a weekend. I was shocked when we had 7 responses in the first 4 minutes. Within half an hour, our pastor -and friend- Eric was in the hall. I got texts from my friends Misty and Molly who said they were in the waiting room if we needed anything. We had several friends offer to bring coffee – because they know the way to my heart 🙂 And we had some wonderful visitors. And the prayers… we felt them. The peace that surpasses all understanding? I had that. I don’t have the words to thank you all enough.
As I walked into the ER that morning, I was filled with fear. I was imagining the worst possible scenarios. As I walked inside, God literally stopped me in my tracks and said “You trust me with you life, why don’t you trust Me with hers?” I have no good answer for that. He’s right. I think it’s human nature to want to be in control of every aspect of our lives. It fills me with fear when I can’t get my daughter to open her eyes. It is out of my control.
This impacts my faith. In huge ways. This is a daily decision to trust God with my daughter’s life. Do I make the decision well every day? Absolutely not. Most days I just want to hang on to her myself. Nobody takes better care of her than I do, right? I tend to forget that she is a gift He gave me to love and raise and she truly belongs to Him.
I look back at that morning and I am grateful. God saved Adelynn’s life that day. She still has a purpose to fulfill on earth. He isn’t done with her yet. It’s unreal to me that there’s a possibility I wouldn’t be looking into her beautiful eyes today. The morning of Adelynn’s seizure, she could have died. She could have choked on her vomit, rolled into her pillow and smothered, fallen off her bed and hit her head, all while Dave and I slept. I can’t let myself get to the point of believing we could have woken up to a lifeless baby girl. I can’t fully thank God for His faithfulness or give Him the praise when I can’t get myself to that point either. So that’s something I need to work on. We know the enemy comes to steal, kill and destroy. He attacked us that morning. In a way that would hit so close to home – by attacking one of the people we love most.
But I’m so thankful that Jesus came so that we may have life and have it to the full! What a promise!! I don’t want to spend my days in fear, but it’s not over. It’s in the back of my mind every day. “Do I let her go on the field trip?” “Do I let her climb to the top of the slide?” “She has a fever. Is this a trigger for her?”
What I need to do is trust and just say “Jesus, she’s Yours.” And mean it.